remembering

its a Saturday afternoon... and I am spending it with my sonna. we had lunch of leftovers... and watched his tv shows some. home bound coz of the bug we still seem to host... we are both soon bored.

we head upstairs... and he spots a piano stashed away at the back of his closet. i need to pull 10 things out of the way.. before i can get to the pink piano... which i know is broke. enroute to the pink piano, we pull out a pink cubby stowed away.. filled with toys the kids don't play with no more.

pretty soon... the two of us are lost. i am gathering all the wooden animal puzzle pieces... and my sonna is going for the blocks. we find alphabet magnets... a take home gift from my pal's twins first bday. As i stumble on each alphabet i hold it up and ask rynu what it is... and he gets them right each time. i am amazed... my kid knows his alphabets and most of the numbers too. woo-hoo! smart kid that!
i start collecting them... am missing 7 of the 26. EEE!

pretty soon we have piles of plastic building blocks, wooden blocks and alphabet magnets, pieces of one giant puzzle, and an assortment of Disney and nick jr characters. i even spot some of my missing jewelry :)
Oh! and we found a blue watch... which ryan sports and says he loves.
it was an x-mas gift from 3 yrs back ...to rave from her best friend.

ryan finds a snow white hair band and insists i wear it. i put it on... n ask him 'how do i look?' he goes... 'jusss like cinderella' :)

every toy.. has a memory attached to it. some broken... and i don't have the heart to throw it out. .. i am goign down memory lane remembering n feeling all nostalgic.
why is remembering so hard to forget?

Lifez a swine!

blazing fevers, body wracking shivers, sensitive nerve endings, dull headaches, chest ablaze, hacking cough, violent tummy cramps...

motrin, tylenol, some more tylenol, the damn talking thermometer that wont read a 2 digit number...back to more motrin.

2 to 3 days of fevers hovering at 104, one day of respite and back came the demon... to flame our bodies.

time to pay our respects to the dreaded waiting rooms of doctors and pedi's...

strep, pneumonia and then the dreaded h1n1... whatz your pick?
come take a whiff...@ 48 Homeside!

amoxicillin, erythromycin... antiB's... will that do the trick this time around?
lifez all about hope... ain't it?

back to the much hated talkin thermometer.... restless sleepless nights...blackening spells, breathing now an effort... drenched shams... stripping sheets... piles of dirty laundry...

frayed nerves... blazing tempers... low tolerances...
10 days and counting!
enuff... enuff already!

all i want is 1 hr.... 1 hr of respite...
of adult conversation... to help pull me out of this funk.

sar ka Taj

A new school year... a new teacher and the year's first parent visiting night.

My apt with Mrs D is at 740 pm. i pull on my fave levi's and slip into a pretty semi casual banana republic blouse... the teachers at school dress formal. i wanna look my best. my hair is freshly washed and i have a 'feel good' feel about me.
i am running early... i like being early coz i hate to keep people waiting.

Mr H, the principal is at the front doors...greeting parents and is full of cheer. Forest school PTA is set up front... selling some stuff. i don't pay attention as i make my way to room 8. another parent is with Mrs D. I kill time checking out the bulletin board outside Rave's room. The wall is filled with the kid's assignment on 'my favorite law'...along with each child's picture. My kid thinks the best law in the country is 'to not steal.' :)

i smile to see the prints i sent in to Mrs D of the Halloween pics i clicked of rave and her class are featured on the board as well.

740... Mrs D walks out to greet me... as she walks the other parent out. I love how polite people are here. We shake hands warmly and sit down. The small talk is qickly done...Mrs D has a sore throat... from having talked to 20+ parents ...all day long I bet.

She walks me through Rave's grades... comprehension, vocabulary, reading, grammar, spelling, and math. my kid has aced the grade mostly. a coupla 80's. No surprises here.

Mrs D goes on to tell me... what a wonderful kid my girl is.
To quote her 'Calista is my best student.. She is so polite and well behaved. I wish all my kids will be like her. I know its not fair to say this...but there are times when i tell my kids to look at Calista and try to be like her'
I can feel the tears hit my eyes... i say something funny to ease the moment.
I walk away on cloud nine.

on the way out i stop at the PTA desk... to buy an arms length of raffle tickets. as always i am outta change and grope for 25c to get ONE ticket instead. i scratch my name n number n drop it off... without caring to ask what or when the draw was.

I hit the grocery store to pick up milk n cookies... when my phone goes 'Jai ho'
apparently i won ... n my prize... a 'turkey basket'
i am asked to come pick it up. i double back... while listening to 'yeh... tumari meri baatein... hamasha yuhi chalthi rahe....' as my mind wanders home... to the sender of this beautiful song.

the basket weighs a ton...has a whole lot of goodies... for a wholesome thanksgiving meal for 10.
20 pd turkey... gravies, stuffing's, sauces, veggies, mashed potato, thin mints, pumpkin pie filling, even juice.

i am thankful today... for my girl... my sar ka taj.
i plan to say thanks... by donating the turkey basket to the local soup kitchen.

flowers...

love them n all.. but prefer them on plants more than stuck in a dumb vase / flower arrangement... total eye-candy them! ugh!

today i ended up doing the super mushy thing...
sending not just flowers..but roses! for a dear pal's b'day.
Yuck! how uncreative.
Well in my defense... it was originally gonna be a BIG jar of...Horlicks!
YA! you read rite! Horlicks! but sigh! ...it wasn't meant to be.
apparently only flowers n cakes make the cut for a 'ta-da... midnite surprise'! :)

Chocolate... I get! But often wonder whats the significance of gifting someone flowers?

Hey Honey... its your birthday and look what i cut off the plants.
i love you so... and what better way to express it with, than flowers... !

or...
we are getting married... lets decorate ourselves with flower garlands... n hey while we are at it..lets even stick some all over the freaking stage and put some at each table.

or...
Oh Lord!... you are dead now... here...smell the flowers... n RIP.

till date i can't bear the cloyingly sweet perfume of jasmine... it reminds me of my Gran-dad's passing... and another event i rather forget.

and whatz worse is those beautiful n sweet smelling flowers... die in a week!
How symbolic is that... of the feeling it was given with in the first place? ha!

Now that the flowers died on me...what do i do with it?
press some in a book to save for eternity or... carelessly toss them out?

I once had a bouquet of summer blossoms sitting on my sunny window sill at work for many months...only 'coz i didn't have the heart to toss it out.
Various hues of yellows and browns it turned... until someone at the next cube complained of going 'aa-aa-aacchooo' to my nurtured fossils... Bless You!

so puhleease...! Save the $ for a more creative cause and spare me the flowers.

I enjoy them more in their natural habitat n splendor... n so do the birds n the bees and butterflies... who get to feast on it ...honey :)

passion @ crossroads

every time passion has hit...I've pursued it with..well!... passion.

passion @ 17
my earliest memory of flunking is from hi-school. I flunked a class math test. Most of my scholastic life I was an average student to say the least... education was just something I went thru 'coz all kids went to school.

who cares if there's an equal and opposite reaction to every action...huh, huh huh???

liked English much... coz it had stories... history too. loved memorizing dates those bloody wars were fought even while wondering whatz the point in learning about the past?
Geography / Physics n Chem... mildly interesting as well.
ok i digress...
back to math... so in some 12+ yrs of education I flunk a test...for the first time. n Dad decides it was time i took tuition's.
WTF! ME n tuition's? Wasn't tuition ONLY for dumb kids...???

MATH...rude awakening - part 1.
Went after it... with passion.
trigonometry...calculus..algebra... thinking in the abstract...suddenly made sense.
Fibonacci.. Pythagoras... Calculus... my new crushes.
i went after it... n A'ced the grade.

Ditto... with getting into Engineering school.
got done with college.. and inertia struck.
No goals... no motivation. Floated around some... got stoofid jobs that didn't need much brain power... only coz all my pals were working. quit each one of em in a year or less. fickle... n clueless... was i?

Marriage...passion strikes!
@ 23..i meet the man... i want to marry. Passion again. Single mindedly pursued it... against all odds n opposition... rude awakening - part 2.
stood stubbornly my ground... went thru' n got hitched.
about this time... i got a job as a developer... stuck to it. heck...even enjoyed it... must be the early love for math that helped make sense of spinning objects methods n classes in a world of geek'dom :)

CLP... passion consumes my life...again.
5 prometric exams.. in a span of 40 days... all aced on the first shot.

Switzerland...destination Uno! love at first sight.
one giant picture post card....all around.
Worked and played in paradise... for a bit.

USA... dream destination since age 20...made it at 28.
pursued it with passion.. so much of it.
first project fizzled out in 6 mnths... wasn't ready to pack my bags n head home. went after my next... with aggression. 9/11 happened n the country was rocked by its foundation. jobs were few n far in-between... esp. for an 'alien' on a work visa. got it and stuck it out... for 8 long yrs.

Kids... passionately ...wanted three in all.
took 4 yrs of waiting...to get started on the first. second came along after 3 more yrs of pursuing...n panicking about the ticking biological clock. relent came in on one condition.... only if its a he! with google aplenty and tracking the symphony for over a year passionately... made it.

now... while standing at crossroads.
inertia... passion... rude awakening...all strike the same time... at the core.
helpless, vision less and...
n its funny, could care less...this time

Childlike

I have this long standing observation... Childish vs childlike

Like most Mom's... with 2 kids and all I have some 10yrs of 'work' experience... ... in dealing with 'childish' emotions.

hurt feelings / hi drama / temper tantrums
I'm first / What about me? / That's MINE ... :)

but in the 7 years of being Mom... the childlike ones have touched me the most.
excitement...
free expression of emotions and thoughts...
simple joys...
be it for a Popsicle or a lady bug...
jumping in rain water puddles...
saving the first red leaf to 'fall' to the ground...
sticking your tongue out @ the first snow fall...
that special note at Mother's day...
the sweet picture of a smiley face sun drawn with so much effort ....
the half asleep...'i love you Mom's'...'you are beautiful Mom....' that i get all the time (lucky me :)

I think that's what makes life beautiful...
to be 'childlike'
which I take every opportunity to be ... with my 2 brats :)

Boo!

Diwali.... then Halloween... followed by the dreaded DLS.

'tis the season... to feel crappy ... err Jolly! :)

My kids are so enthusiastic about Halloween... and I can see why.

Growing up in India... Diwali was my fave festival. And I can't stop drawing similarities between these two cool celebrations that happen in 2 different parts of the world...

Diwali... brought in with new clothes.. for the whole family
Halloween... costumes for all... young and old

Diwali... festival of lights & fireworks
Halloween... think Boo & Spook effect

Diwali... dress-up and bring home made sweets to friends and family
Halloween ... wait till dusk to dress-up n go 'trick or treating' with friends to homes in the 'hood

Diwali... a celebration of the destruction of evil
Halloween... a celebration of all things evil :)

still... why does my heart crave Diwali more?
Substitutes... them never work... even if better :)

so there... Boo!

24 hrs

thatz all it took...
to go from :( to :)

manufacturing defect or made perfect. depends on your outlook in life.

This time back home... hooked up with old buddies...from hi-school, college n my early 20's.

with the reminiscing that happened...we went down memory lane... with stories from the past... of the mad things... I did.
from dancing on a table @ Purple Haze in BLR...fun and sweet letters i wrote...to wading into the Bay (of Bengal) at hi-tide... at 12 midnight... n not knowing to swim.
Jeeeez-a-lu! what was I thinking?

I have no recollection of most of these mad times... and remember thinking...
'I DID that?' you gotta be kidding me!!

childlike n simple joys...
when?... did I cease doing and enjoying them
why?... did I forget to be mad

I seem to have made a total transformation in my whole outlook to life...
somewhere in my mid 20's.
the same time I broke off ties... to my past.

along with breaking ties I also seem to have broken off some core things.
and what amazes is...that realization is coming ONLY NOW!

choices... by choice.
consciously? perhaps... not
growing up... getting responsible... happens to us all :)

24 hours... if its all one got to live this life... I will go back home.
home...to where my heart is.
home... with who I can be myself.